I'm really into asian looking animals
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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