How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
