The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
