btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
