smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
