Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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