I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
