Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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