fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
