I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Randomize
