I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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