Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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