I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
