I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
