tonight lets celebrate not being married
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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