yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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