I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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