Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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