I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
