please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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