We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
