Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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