My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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