What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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