TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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