When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
