You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
