Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
