You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
