you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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