can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
