At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
