i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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