I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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