8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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