he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
