Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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