i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
