I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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