My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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