I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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