i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
