He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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