Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
