47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.