she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
last night I used snow as a chaser