This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems