burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
