apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
