Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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