You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
