There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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