Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
