This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
