We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
