Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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