There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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