hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
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I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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