He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
