am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
