Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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