Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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