You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
