I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
